


In Too Deep

by yesmistresslaufeyson



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston-Fandom
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol, Angst, Can't tag too much at beginning will give it away, Drugs, F/M, Feels, Gen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Plot first then shameless smut, Porn With Plot, Romance, True Love, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 12:53:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5417762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yesmistresslaufeyson/pseuds/yesmistresslaufeyson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a young journalist is assigned a controversial story that she is assured will not only save her career, but also her small inner city paper, she jumps at the chance to gain the attention of the town that has barely ever even looked at her twice.  Without thinking she throws herself into a world of pleasure, indulgence, and sin that she has never seen before and into the arms of a man that she thinks can help her.  Trouble immediately ensues when the lines of work and play begin to blur together, and disaster strikes when hearts inevitably become involved.  ***STRONG DELICIOUS SEXUAL THEMES AS WELL AS THEMES RELATED TO ADDICTION*****</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Too Deep

I could hear him breathing from the other side of the small confessional booth that we shared, and in my mind, that was somehow enough. After nearly thirty days of nothing more than his memory to live by, the sound of the crisp early winter air moving in and out of his lungs, well it was music to my absolutely desperate ears.  He was touching the thin wall that stood between us, that I could somehow just sense.  His fingers were spread wide, displaying the expansive width of his hand, and his nails were digging just slightly into the incredibly inexpensive wood that lay beneath them.  He was thinking of what to say, after so long without even a single word, and he was rehearsing exactly how it was that he was going to say it to me almost obsessively inside of his mind.  The man on the other side of that taunting little wall was nothing if he wasn't meticulous, and right now he was exercising that trait to an absolute fault.  His breathing was increasing, ever so slightly with every passing second, and I could almost feel the strength of his practically musical heartbeat echoing off of every single surface around me.  Very slowly, I closed my exhausted eyes as I allowed myself to revel in the soothing beat of his pulse as it pounded roughly inside of my mind.  I had been fantasizing about this moment for nearly an entire month now.   _A very long, and utterly agonizing month spent without him._

"This bloody fucking snow is even worse than it was last year.  How's your car holding up?" His voice finally asked very softly through the small rectangular mesh opening where all the good Catholics in Chicago bent down to confess their sins, and not instead hold secret meetings with men that they knew better than anyone they definitely should not see.  I closed my eyes as I allowed the memories that his voice awakened inside of me to completely take over my mind, and bring me once again to the sheer brink of insanity, just as it always had.

"My car is fine, Tom.  Do you really want to use the time that we have here talking about the state of my vehicle or the severity of the weather?" I asked as his name nearly broke on my lips, and caused my heart to pick up in it's nearly painful rhythm deep inside of my chest.  Tom released a heavy, pain saturated sigh from the other side of the booth, and then he very carefully cleared his throat.

"I would talk about anything with you, Nina.  I honestly just needed to hear the sound of your voice tonight." He said as he very quickly shifted his weight in his seat, and then cleared his throat once again.  I felt my chest tighten as I took in the very simple words that the man so close, but yet so far from me had just said, and then I very slowly nodded my head.

"I've needed to hear your voice for far longer than just tonight, Tom.  Why did you agree to meet me here tonight?  Why not the million other times that I have practically begged you to?" I asked as I painfully remembered the month that now lay behind me when I had texted and called Tom more than just a few times a day, and then sat by my phone waiting for a reply that deep inside I knew would never come.  His rejection had hurt me more than anything he could have ever said to me, and that was most likely because he had never once ever rejected me before.

"We agreed that we needed time apart, Nina.  We agreed that it was best…that it was best if I stayed away from you for a while.  It's not good for us to be together right now.  I'm not good for you, at least not yet." Tom said with his last few words coming out almost in tears just before he once again cleared his throat, and then shifted his body slightly where he sat.  I felt my small fists ball together tightly in my lap, and the anger that I had been allowing to boil for so long deep inside of me, begin to very quickly bubble to the top.

" _We_ did not agree on anything, Tom.  You just decided that we…." I started, but the tears that were suddenly claiming the entirety of my being stopped my words immediately in their tracks.  Slowly, I closed my eyes as memories from the day when in my mind I believed that my life truly ended flooded vividly into my mind, and seemed to rip my heart to shreds all over again.  Tom was quiet for a few moments as he sat barely two feet away from me listening to the sound of my tears falling from my once bright emerald colored eyes, and then finally he gained the courage to speak to me once again.

"It was for the best, Nina.  It might hurt like raking your body over a million bloody fucking nails, but it was for the best.  I was… _hurting_ you.  I didn't realize it at first, but once I did, I just couldn't bear the thought of being the one that caused you pain.  I needed to put some space between us so that I could get better.  So that we could both get better.  So that maybe someday…" He stopped before his last few words left his thin, slightly shaking lips.  He knew that he couldn't make me any more promises that he wasn't sure that he could keep.  He couldn't do that to me like he had already done so many times before.  He couldn't continue the cycle that he had been spinning in for far longer than either one of us could honestly even remember.

"I don't want to get better if it means that I am without you, Tom.  I would rather be sick and with you, than healthy and without you.  I can't live without you." I whispered with tears dampening my every word as I felt physically ill sounding so incredibly needy like the women that I had always criticized just barely a year before, but I just simply couldn't hide how I felt from him.  From the moment that I had first met him, it was as if he always pulled the truth almost unwillingly from my lips.  One glance from his eyes, touch of his hand, or even word from his lips and I was an open book just begging to be read aloud.   _Begging to be read aloud by him…and only by him._

"Fuck Nina, please…" Tom pleaded quietly just as I felt his weight press slightly harder against our shared wall, and immediately draw my body in closer toward his.  Ever since the first moment that I had laid my eyes on the man with soft breathtaking ocean colored eyes and harsh demanding hands, it had felt as if he had magnets somehow imbedded deep within his skin.  Whenever we were in the same room it was as if I was pulled to him by some force that I could not see.  No matter how far or how many obstacles lay in between us, my body always found his within moments of realizing that he was there.  I had tried to fight this force on more than one occasion, but I had been absolutely moot in my attempt.  There was no fighting the forces of nature or in all honestly, the forces of _Tom_.

"I'm sorry….I just…um…how's work?" I asked sensing the anguish in Tom's voice, and deciding to back off of the incredibly tender topic that I knew deep down I should have never even started to begin with. Tom sighed as he seemed relieved by the levity that I had given, and strangely, I felt myself relax just slightly too.

"It's going well.  Busy as hell, but at least it keeps me distracted.  By the time I get home, I'm dead on my feet most nights.  I suppose that's good, I guess." He said softly just as I heard him swallow hard, and then once again clear his throat.  I nodded to myself as I remembered the home in which Tom was referring to, and felt my heart ache just a little bit more inside of my chest.

"That's good.  How is Emma doing?  Still giving you a hard time about everything?" I asked as I felt my heart ache once again at the mention of yet another person that I had lost in the past month that I missed so desperately that I felt ashamed to admit it.  Tom sighed as I heard him give a very small laugh.  I smiled to myself despite my pain as I imagined that Tom was smiling on the other side of the confessional wall as well.  His smile had always been one of my favorite things about him.  I always thought that the curve of his lips and the light in his eyes when he smiled must have been the true visualization of what joy actually looked like when it left someone's body.

"Emma will give me a hard time until the day that I die, and even then I am quite certain that she will have something to say. She misses you, Nina.  She told me to tell you that she says hello.  Please do not hate her for not coming 'round.  She is only doing so at my request." Tom admitted as I heard the humor leave his voice just as quickly as it had came, and return the mood of the confessional back to it's original bleakness.

"I…could never hate her, Tom.  How is everything else?  How is…treatment?" I asked, and just as my question left my lips, I immediately regretted asking it.  For some reason, saying that last word out loud seemed to make the whole nightmare of a situation that we were living in completely real, and cause my heart to hurt even more from inside of my chest.  And, by the sound of air rushing from Tom's lips on the other side of the booth, I knew that it had done the same thing to him.

"Treatment…is agony.  I hate every part of it, but I still go every day.  Monday through Friday…eight in the morning until three in the afternoon, there I sit.  They tell me that it will get better, and that it will start to help, but I know better than anyone what a load of rubbish that is.  But, I will continue to go until it's over, Nina.  I'm not going to give up.  That I can promise you." He said in a slightly firmer tone as I felt him drop his head down against the side of the wall, and in my exhaustion, I couldn't help but do so as well.  Everything hurt, and I just wanted him to hold me, but I knew that was a dream that simply was not going to come true.  

"I'm really proud of you, Tom.  I hope you know that." I whispered as I very slowly ran my hand up the thin wall beside me, and imagined that his arm was there against me instead.  I closed my eyes and pretended that instead of hard wood, I felt the firmness of his bicep just beneath my grasp.  I knew that if anyone else could see me they would think that I was crazy, but honestly, I could have cared less what anyone else thought of me anymore.

"What about you?  How are the groups going?  Are they as dreadful as I remember?" Tom asked with a falsified laugh in his voice that sounded slightly bitter just as I heard him move once again where he sat.  I smiled to myself with the same bitterness that I had heard in his tone just a moment before, and then very slowly nodded my head.

"I fear that they are even more dreadful now than they were back in your time, Mr. Hiddleston.  Hours of tears, hugging, and burnt coffee.  How someone burns coffee, I still don't quite understand." I joked in the best fake British accent that I could muster as I felt tears once again cascading down over my cheeks.  Tom laughed his incredibly fake laugh once again.

"Americans are clever, darling.  You never hear of Brits burning the tea." He said softly as I noticed his accent deepen just slightly with his words.  I liked it when he sounded like that.  That was when he was truly being himself.  That was when he felt safe, and relaxed.  That was how he had always been... _with me_.

"I miss you." I finally whispered as I leaned slightly closer toward the mesh rectangle that sat open between us, and suddenly took in the long jean clad leg of the man sitting next to me. I swallowed thickly as I briefly contemplated attempting to simply rip through the small hole, but then I finally decided to at least attempt to keep my mind somewhat together.  Tom sighed as I watched his body shift beside me, and then the side of his face finally came into my view.  My heart nearly leapt from my chest as my blood seemed to ignite immediately from within my veins.

"I miss you too, baby girl.  I am fucking dying without you." He whispered in a voice that sounded as if it was somehow being strangled from within him.  My heart both broke from pain, and manically surged from the sight of his face after so long without seeing it.

"It doesn't have to be like this, we don't have to be apart." I whispered desperately as I moved closer toward the small mesh opening, praying that the man across from me would finally look at me, but he kept his stare trained forward just as he always had when he was attempting to make a point.

"Yes we do, Nina.  At least for now.  If we start seeing each other again, it will go back to the way it was.  We can't do that anymore.  It isn’t healthy." Tom struggled as I watched him begin rubbing his hands roughly over his beautiful face, and shifting his weight slightly nervously where he sat.  He was actually considering it.  I knew that look. If I just pressed him a little further he might give in.  If I just explained to him how much I needed him, then maybe he wouldn't leave me alone tonight.

"It won't go back, I promise.  We will be better.  We will be different.  Just take me home, and…" I started, but Tom did not give me the chance to finish.  

"Take you home and what, Nina?  Take you home and talk through all of our problems just like we never have?  Take you home and abide by all of the rules that we have broken time and time again?  Rules that were there to keep us safe, that we just said _fuck it_ to!  You really think that just because we have been apart for a month that we are suddenly going to change everything about who we are?  No.  Fuck no!  If I take you home, then…" He stopped.  I knew that he didn't want to finish.  If the words left his mouth then the possibility of what could happen would be real, and that would be too much for either one of us to bear.  Unfortunately, I needed him to say it because for some reason I needed to hear it.  I needed to hear the words that I had been imagining inside of my mind for the past thirty days leave the man sitting beside me’s lips, and I needed to hear them now.  I couldn't take being ignored or disregarded anymore.  I needed this. _I needed him_.

"Then what, Tom?" I asked softly.  I knew now was not the time for my demanding voice.  No.  Tom needed to hear me be soft with him.  He needed to hear my desperation, and he needed to feel like he was in control.   _Even though God and everyone else knew that he damn well wasn't._

"You know what, Nina." He replied hesitantly.  I swallowed thickly.  I knew that I should stop, but for some reason, I just couldn’t.

"I need to hear it, Tom.  Please." I begged, and I knew in that moment that he knew that I honestly did need to hear it, no matter how sick that need might have been. There was a silence, and then finally I heard Tom take in a very deep breath.

"We are not doing this, Nina.  It's late.  I think it's time that we call it a night." He said quickly just as the tone in his voice turned back to neutral, and subsequently destroyed all of my hopes in the mere span of a second.  

"No, please." I begged as tears returned to my eyes, and my nails dug into the mesh material in front of me.  The booth shifted as I saw Tom's body very slowly rise, and in turn, cause panic to rise from deep inside of me.  He couldn't leave me.  Not again.   _Not yet_.

"No!" I cried, and my plea was finally loud enough and filled with enough emotion that it gained Tom's full attention.  I watched as he turned back toward me, and once again returned to his seat beside me.  Then, ever so slowly, he dropped his face down to the opening between us, and met my eyes for the first time in a month.  My heart raced to the speed of light as I stared into the aquamarine orbs of life, my life, that looked back at me.  I slowly lifted my hand, and pressed it to the material before me.

"Fuck, there are those eyes." Tom whispered as he lifted his fingers to the mesh opening and pressed his fingertips against mine.  I began to cry just a little bit harder as I felt his touch for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, and attempted to somehow grip tightly onto his skin despite the material that stood between us.

"I need you." I whispered as my fingernails dug just slightly into Tom's skin.  Tom swallowed thickly as he very slowly nodded his head.

"And, I, you, darling.  But, you don't need me like this.  Go home, baby girl.  My heart will ache until I next see you." He whispered poetically with a sad smile as I dropped my face down against the mesh opening, and felt the ghosting of Tom's fingers against my cheek.

"Please, Tom.  Please." I pleaded through my tears.  Tom's fingers ran across my face once again, and this time I noticed that they were shaking.

"I love you, Nina.  More than anything in this world." He whispered, and then after a few more moments of gently touching my skin, I finally noticed that the feel of his touch was gone, and subsequently, so was he.  I knew that if I burst through that door and ran, I could find him and I could beg him to stay face to face, but it wouldn't matter.  He had left me once before when I was standing in front of him.  I was quite certain he would find a way to do it again.

Just an hour later, I found myself standing just outside of the door to Room 108 of St. Joseph's Hospital, and staring at the sign that sat just outside of the small conference room entrance.  I took in a deep breath as I read every letter just as I did every other night, and then finally I forced myself to take a step forward.   _ **Addiction Recovery:  Survivors, Fighters, Family, and Friends.  All Are Welcome.**_  That is what the hand written sign had said for the past three weeks, and that was what I guessed it would say for many weeks to come.  This was the group that Tom had suggested for me to go to via text message the only other time that he had ever contacted me in the past month.  So naturally, this was the group that I had eventually decided to finally attend.

"Good evening everyone, and welcome.  I see a lot of familiar faces here tonight, and also some new ones as well.  I would like to introduce myself.  My name is Angela.  I am this group's leader, and I am also an addict." The tall, dark haired woman that had been coordinating the group's meetings ever since I had first started attending announced with a warm smile, and in turn gained a few smiles from those sitting around us as well.

"Hi, Angela." The group repeated back to her just as they always did, and I couldn't help but smile as I imagined Tom's face if he would have been there to hear it himself.

"Hi, everyone.  Now tonight as we get started, I would like to open the floor to anyone who would like to talk or share their story either for the first time or for the millionth time.  Don't be shy.  We are all friends here." Angela said as her warm smile widened, and she scanned her eyes over the small crowd that sat out before her. I took in a deep breath just as I always did, but on that night for some very strange reason, I found myself suddenly raising my hand.

"I…um…I would like to…speak." My voice suddenly said causing all eyes to turn toward me, the woman who had never spoken before, and then widen when they realized that it was me who had volunteered. Angela nodded slowly as she returned to her chair, and then turned in my direction with an incredibly warm smile.

"Go ahead, Nina.  Whenever you are ready." She said kindly. I nodded, and then somehow found my way up onto to my feet.  I took in yet another deep breath, and then somehow I gained the courage to finally begin to speak.

"Um…Hi, my name is Nina…and I'm….well I don't exactly know _what_ I am." I said honestly as I stared out over the crowd and then nervously twisted my fingers tightly together in front of my small form. Quite a few heads nodded in the crowd before me in what appeared to be understanding, and silently encouraged me to continue.

"Hi, Nina." The crowd repeated. I forced a smile and nodded.

"Hi.  Um, I have been coming to this group for three weeks now, and honestly my plan was to never ever talk at all.  I am here because someone…someone that I love more than I love fucking oxygen, well he told me to come." I started. The room was silent, and all eyes were on me.  My hands immediately began to shake.

"He told me that if I came here, I would start to feel better.  I would listen to other people's stories, and I would be able to identify with them, and that would make me feel less alone.  The truth is, I feel more alone now than ever.  I feel alone because your stories aren't the same as mine, and I feel alone because….well because I am alone." I whispered just as the tears began to fall once again. The crowd around me continued to stare at me, and then finally Angela once again began to speak.

"You aren't alone, Nina.  You are here.  With us.  Now, would you like to tell us your story?  Maybe help us understand why you feel so different?" She asked with kindness and understanding in her voice.  I swallowed thickly as I momentarily considered running, but instead, I forced myself to stay put.

"Um…sure.  It all started just a little less than a year ago.  I was writing as a columnist for a newspaper that I don't even imagine any of you have probably ever heard of, and our new editor had just taken over the week before…" I started, and as I spoke, I finally began to release everything that I had been holding onto so tightly inside of me for the first time in longer than I could remember. I released the pain, the torment, the guilt, and the shame. I released the love, the hate, the bitterness, and even the passion that seemed as if it was the only thing that was keeping me alive. I released it all, and I allowed myself to feel what I had been hiding from for the past month since Tom had left me. I allowed myself to feel the pain, and remember the joy. I allowed myself to go back, just one more time... _to him_.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Everyone! OK, so I have written on and off for years, but I have had this story in my head for a while and thought I would give it a go. Please let me know what you think, and no, the entire story does not have near this much angst lol. I have big plans for this and the delicious smutty smut is coming and it will be coming soon :) So, review and let me know if you like where this is going if you have the time and if not thanks for stopping by and reading anyway. I will try to update often, next chapter should be up by tonight or tomorrow morning at the latest. Thanks :)


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